2/3 of the way to 1 (otherwise known as 8 months)

8 months ago today, my teeny peanuts came into the world. What a hard and wonderful 8 months it has been. I love these two little characters with all my heart and find it hard to remember what life was like before I became their Mommy.

Both of them have been growing and changing so much recently. Anna is a few weeks ahead of Alex (which makes sense since he was behind at the start), She is sitting up now (unsupported but I still usually put cushions behind her as she occasionally falls over), rolling all over the place, and crawling by pulling herself along with her arms. Alex sits up, but usually falls over after a few minutes, rolls all over and tries to reach for things and wiggle forward, but isn't crawling yet. He is getting stronger though. They both "chat" all the time. 'w' and 'R' sounds are their favorites today. That and loud high pitched shreeks or squeals. They are soooo funny. They are eating all sorts of grains, fruits, veggies and meats now. We will soon start on some yogourt, and maybe cheese in a few weeks. Their favorite is still green beans...crazy kids! They are figuring out how to pinch things to grasp them now and we are starting to give them some chunks of food to try and will increase the chunkier stuff they can feed themselves and will cut back on the blended purees. We make some of their food ourselves and buy some ready made as well.

Both of the babies are reaching the seperation anxiety stage. Anna is okay with most people as long as she has a while to get used to them, before they pick her up. She doesn't like to be left alone though and screams when I leave the room. If I am gone too long (to pee, or change her brother) she is often in tears by the time I make it back to her. As soon as she sees me again she is happy though and back to playing and laughing very quickly. Alex doesn't get as upset by being out of my sight, but he has developed a real fear of other people. He only wants to be held by Mommy or Daddy. When picked up by someone else he goes very still and stares at them, his lower lip sticks out and starts to quiver and his eyes start to water , and if left for another few seconds he starts to scream like someone is pinching him really hard. It is so dramatic a reaction, it is kind of funny. I hope he gets braver soon.

I have heard stories of the connection that twins often have, so far I have seen no signs of it from my two. Perhaps it is because they were seperated from each other from the start in the NICU, so never formed a connection during those first 3 weeks? Once we had them home, we tried to co-sleep them in the same bassinette. It did not work at all and the result was 4 very tired people the next day, as they woke each other up all night long. For the next few months after that it was as if the other did not exist. The ignored each other and even when we forced them to interact by putting them side by side, there was no cuddling or cooing to each other that other parents of twins have reported. Lately they have stopped ignoring each other. They watch each other and make noises to each other. When playing they will roll towards each other. It isn't to cuddle up though, no, it is to steal each other's toys or to wrestle with their twin. They are rough with each other; they scratch, bite, punch, kick and roll on each other. I feel like a referee when they get together, making sure no eyes are gouged and no ears are ripped off. Occasionally one will give the other a big slurpy open mouthed kiss or I will catch them smiling at each other as they hold hands, but those moments of sweetness are fleeting and rare. Usually I am having to scoop one up to protect them from the kicking feet or flailing claws of the other.

I love being a SAHM, but sometimes it is a thankless job. With teaching (and 30 13 yr olds isn't an easy job at all) I always got lots of positive feedback. From a students saying "I get it now" to students actually thanking me, to parents telling me how much they appreciate what I am doing, to administration giving me good reviews. I realised a lot of my identity and self esteem came from being a really good teacher. Now, I don't have that. I get down sometimes and have a hard time pulling myself out of my funks. Some days I think I am the happiest I have ever been in my life, and on other days all I want to do is cry.

With the twins I feel sometimes like I am barely keeping my head above water. I keep them fed, in clean diapers, entertained, safe and loved. Sometimes accomplishing that in a day is all I can do. I don't feel like I am a very good SAHM sometimes. I feel like I am falling short. Often my bathroom doesn't get cleaned, supper is hardly ever on the table when Ian gets home from work. When I pictured being a SAHM I thought I would have a perfectly clean house, lovely meals every night and contented happy children to greet my husband at the door. Often that is not what he walks into when he gets home. I know how hard I work every day (often times way harder than I did as a teacher) and still feel like I am falling short of my husband's expectations and (even worse) my own. I feel sometimes like my worth as a human is being judged by how (not) clean my floor is and how many cookies I (don't) bake. Really not things that I have ever considered to be markers of a persons merit before, but things that I am being measured by now. Does this make me regret staying home with the kids (at least for now), not in the least. I can't imagine missing so much of their growing up. I can't imagine trusting someone else to spend 8 hours a day with my kids. I feel blessed that I have a husband with the skills needed to have a great paying job, which allows me to choose to stay home with the kids for longer than my maternity pay year. But as much as I love being here for my babies, it is a hard (and often thankless) job for sure.

I recently read a blog written by a Mom of triplets, it was funny in a sad kind of way. As much as she loved her babies, she was really finding it a rough road. And while I don't have triplets, I do have twins and a lot of what she talked about really rang true for me too. I love both my babies, and if I had to choose, well, I couldn't. Sometimes I wish I only had one baby at a time though. Multiples are hard. I watch parents with one baby and feel a sense of envy sometimes. When they pass the baby off to their partner, it is for a break, not because the other baby needs attending to. The one baby gets all the attention and love of both parents and never has to wait. Plus they only have to do things once, there is no feeling of being on a production line: Bottle for baby A, Bottle for baby B, put Baby A in high chair, strap in, put on bib,feed solids, wash face and hands. Put Baby B in high chair, strap in, put on bib, feed Baby B solids, wash face and hands. Change Baby A's diaper. Change Baby B's diaper. Tuck in Baby A, give soother, tuck in Baby B, give soother. Baby A sleeps. Baby B poops in diaper. Change Baby B, rock for a while, tuck in , give soother. Baby B sleeps, Baby A wakes up. Play with Baby A. Put Baby A in jumper, try to go pee. Baby A screams because they are alone, pick up and console Baby A. Read Baby A a story. Baby B wakes up. Change Baby B. Change Baby A. Play on floor with Baby A and Baby B. Baby A scratches Baby B, console Baby B. Read Baby A and Baby B a story. Bottle for Baby A, Bottle for Baby B.... And I still need to pee....

Occasionally I get lucky, like I am right now, and both babies sleep at the same time. This happens every few days and lets me have a few minutes to myself. It is 10 min, 20 min, maybe even 2 hours of Heaven. Sometimes I am even brave enough to run and take a quick shower... But if I do something like nap, check Facebook, blog, or watch TV on the PVR there is always a small part of my brain saying "bathroom needs cleaning, laundry you folded yesterday needs to be put away..." I think the thing I miss the most about teaching is lunch hour. For that hour (unless I choose to give extra help or volunteer to do something) I am free of responsabilities and can sit around having conversations with other adults. And boy do I miss adult conversation sometimes...

I started this post by saying it has been a wonderful and a hard 8 months. Perhaps the best 8 months of my life so far, perhaps also the hardest. I guess that is the life of a Mom to multiples. I am sure the ups and downs will continue and hopefully I will remember all the wonderful moments I got to spend with my kids, and will forget all the times I tripped over the laundry baskets or drank cold tea because I was too busy to get to it while it was hot.