A scary scary day...

Two years and a month ago I was pregnant, and then I wasn't. I am painfully aware that miscarriage happens.

Yesterday I went out to lunch with a long time friend. It was wonderful catching up and chatting about all the things going on in her crazy life. I feel so settled and adult. As were were getting ready to leave I ran in to the washroom to pee. Blood.

In 2006 I was sitting at my desk at school feeling like I was having cramps and getting worried. At break I went to check, and there was blood. I left and went to the emergency room. After many hours of waiting, going home for the night,coming back for an ultrasound the next morning We got the terrible news. The fetus had no heartbeat and was very low in my uterus (next to the cervix) and miscarriage was inevitable. The next 3 days to follow were 3 of the worst days of my life. I ended up back in the emergency, on morphine with Dr.s worried that I was hemoraghing as I was bleeding so much.

Back to 2008. I find myself in the same emergency room, telling them the same story. I am eventually (after 3? hours of waiting) taken to the mirror image of the room I was in last time. After more waiting, explaining the situation over and over again to nurses, gettting blood (about 8 vials worth), temperature and blood pressure taken I finally got to see a Dr. The SAME DR as last time. This is too much Deja Vu, I feel like I am about to lose it. Fortunately getting an ultrasound is quicker now than it was 2 years ago as the emergency room now has a portable machine. They only have an exterior ultrasound though, so that means drinking a ton of water. The Dr. tells me to drink as many glasses as I can and then to drink one more. So I get to drinking. The water is icy cold and as I get through a 2nd litre of it I start to shake from the cold. I keep drinking, all the while fighting back the nausea and the urge to throw up. Finally I have drank enough and feel the urge to pee very strongly, meaning my bladder is full enough to push my uterus out of my pelvis enough to see. We begin the ultrasound. At 8 weeks 3 days your uterus is still in your pelvis, so the Dr is basically pushing the wand into your pelvic arch. First he locates my bladder and then the uterus, and then a black shape apears with a grey bean in it. The baby is still there. Next he pushes and prods the wand trying to get a better view, finally he says he can see it, the heartbeat.

Give a pregnant woman 3+ litres of water in 20 min. and bad things happen. First going to the washroom after the ultrasound was a relief, peeing never felt so good. As we were leaving the hospital, in the parking garage, I realised that the leftover water plus the BLT sandwich I had had for lunch weren't doing so well. By the time I made it to the car the gagging had started. I decided to wait a few minutes before getting into the car, and boy I am glad I did. Lets just say power puking on cement = mess. I feel very sorry for the person who is responsible for cleaning the car park. Sorry whoever you are...

The bleeding only lasted about an hour with some spotting afterwards, but it frightened me. I am still not feeling confident. Even moreso than before, I am scared every time I go pee that I will see more blood. I analyse every twinge wondering if it is a cramp. I am trying to stay relaxed and to think positive thoughts, but it is hard...

A Poem

This is a poem someone sent to me a year or 2 ago. I found it gave me strength at times when I needed it.


I Will Be A Wonderful Mother - By: Author Unknown

There are women who become mothers without effort,
without thought,
without patience or loss,
and though they are good mothers and love their children,
I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics or money or because I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited.

I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore, and discover.

I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.

My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.

I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

Timeline

As you probably already know, it took a long time to get to this point. Here is a timeline of some of the important steps in our journey:

Sept 2005~ Birth control goes out the window. We are ready to have a BABY.
Sept 2006~ STILL not pregnant.
Oct 2006~ Positive pregnancy test. We are so happy to be due in June 2007.
Nov 2006~ Spotting/ unclear ultrasound/rising HCG numbers/many questions...
Dec. 1st 2006~ No heartbeat on ultrasound/Miscarriage
Feb 2007~ Started trying again.
Sept 2007~ Started 7 cycles of Clomid (fertility drug) Didn't work. Refered to RE.
June 2008~ First appointment with RE (fertility Dr.) Many tests booked for both of us.
Oct 2008~ HSG test (dye test where they shoot dye through your uterus and tubes.) All clear.
Oct 2008~ Training on how to do injectible drugs.
Nov 2008~ Started 1st treatment cycle. Clomid 150mg days 2 to 6/Bravelle 75iu injections days 6 to 13/Many blood tests and ultrasounds/HCG injection day 14/ IUI day 16 (Sat. Nov. 15th)
Dec 1st 2008 BFP (Positive pregnancy test)
Dec 17th 2008 Ultrasound at 6 weeks 4 days. We have one baby in there and a HEARTBEAT!!!!!!!!!!

8 weeks pregnant

I signed up for a weekly update and decide to add these updates to my blog (Thanks Nancy for the idea).

Fetal development - 8 weeks pregnant

Your embryo is now called a fetus, which means "offspring". Your uterus expands to accommodate its new resident, which now measures approximately five-eights of an inch / 1.6 centimetres. Many changes take place this week -- the embryonic tail is gone, and all organs, muscles, and nerves are beginning to function. The hands now bend at the wrist, and the feet begin to lose their webbed appearance. Eyelids are beginning to cover the eyes.

Merry Christmas to me!

When I found out I was pregnant I remember saying that I hoped I would have all kinds of symptoms and feel really sick so I knew that everything was going well. Well sometimes we get what we wish for. I have been nauseous since about week 5 of this pregnancy and have had gagging episodes on and off. I feel sick if I don't eat and feel sick if I eat too much. It is a delicate balance. I hadn't been actually pucking yet...until Christmas. We went to my Mom's for Christmas dinner (which was yummy). I ate a smaller than normal meal. As we were leaving I suddenly felt the nausea increase and my Christmas dinner came up all over my Mom's driveway. I was wretching so hard I actually made my nose bleed. Even though it was gross a part of me was happy. This little baby growing inside me is making me feel miserable, but hopefully that is a good sign. Merry Christmas to me!