Here is a link to the blog:
"Emotionally-busy"
This is the state I have been living in since somewhere in the beginning of 2006. We decided we wanted children before our relationship went very far (it would have been a deal breaker for me, I KNEW I wanted kids) and in the summer of 2005, when I was 30, we decided that it was the right time to start our family. The birth control pills went out the window and every month the anticipation of being pregnant started. The first 6 months I was relaxed about it, the next 6 month I started getting worried. The summer of 2006 I started thinking something was wrong, and that it was time to get checked out, and BOOM I was pregnant. The fall of 2006 was one of the happiest times ever in our lives. I was pregnant, we had a baby arriving June 25th, life was good. December 1st 2006 I miscarried. Life since then has been a series of highs and lows. 2 years of infertility, friends and relatives getting pregnant, having babies, enjoying life while we waited. 2 years of wondering if we would ever be there, if we would ever have a family. Dec 1st, 2008 exactly 2 years after we lost our first baby, we got the news that we were pregnant again. As those of you who read this blog know my pregnancy was a series of highs and lows, a heartbeat at 6 weeks, bleeding and fears of another miscarriage at 8 weeks, twins at 13 weeks, surgery and many fears at 19 weeks, emergency c-section delivery at 35 weeks, 18 days in the NICU and two beautiful, healthy babies. I thought that when we brought our babies home that this state would be over, but it isn't. I have been feeling frustrated, that even though I have a beautiful family now, that I can't let go of this state. I felt relief when I read the final few paragraphs of the above linked blog and realized someone had been able to put into words (very eloquently) something I had been feeling:
"It is something I’ve noticed parenting after infertility too. We parent going through the grief and wistfulness of those who are raising their final child while simultaneous going through the hope and anxiety of whether there will be another. We are thinking about the next child while we are still in the delivery room. We go through the raising of the final child for as long as we are building our family since we never know if there will be another. And even those who are grateful to have one or two and know they lack the funds or emotional fortitude to attempt parenthood again raise that child with the wishfulness of wanting something out of reach, especially if their earliest mental images of family had them surrounded by a small army of toddlers to teenagers.
I don’t even know where it ends. Is it menopause–when you know without a doubt that your reproductive years are over? When you pass the final cut-off age for an adoption program and you know that opportunity is behind you? I think when you live so intensely cognizant of your fertility; of what your body can and cannot do, it is difficult to walk away and leave it behind. Even when you know your family is built."
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