My sleeping baby girl

Cuddles with Grammy Olga

yoga

Alex's favorite pose!

Facebook Statuses

I have heard people comment about not becoming one of "those Moms" meaning someone who posts updates about their kids all the time on Facebook. Well I am fearful that I have become one of "those Moms". I remember a time when hearing about someone's kids, or seeing the latest pregnancy announcement gave me a twinge of pain. I wanted to be the one posting that news, and wasn't. I am sure that there are people on my friend's list who feel that same twinge when they see some of my updates. I also know that there are many people who want to hear about Anna and Alex, who ask me for information about them, and use my Facebook updates and photos as a way of following along on their development. I guess the only thing to do is to limit the number of status updates I make and to only put up the most important ones.

Here are a few that didn't get posted:

There is nothing better than having your daughter climb up onto the couch, onto your lap and then stand up and give you a great big drooly baby kiss.

Anna learned to throw a ball!

Anna and Alex are addicted to strawberries. They will tell me they are full of what ever they are supposed to be eating, but when I offer them strawberries for dessert they suddenly have all kinds of room.

I have become the Queen of soaking clothes. The twins rip their bibs off almost every time and end up getting their clothes covered in food. After every meal I have to change them and put their clothes on to soak or else everything they own would be covered in strawberry stains.

I am happy the twins are learning to use their sippy cups, but sometimes a little sad, as it is one more thing that proves they are growing up.

I love watching my kids play hide and seek with each other around the corners of the furniture.

I love when my kids grab at my shirt wanting to be picked up and cuddled, even though I know it is a habit that will get annoying when they are older.

As happy as I am to be home with the kids, I miss that feeling of it being the last day of school.

I am so happy to have met some other SAHM in my swimming class.

I wouldn't change being home with my kids for the world, but would really like it if more adults came to visit me during the day. I miss adult conversations.

I sometimes feel I have nothing to talk about other than my kids. As interesting as I find them, I am aware that others might not find them so interesting.

I think Anna is so smart. 3 times now she has pointed at the picture and said "bear" when I am reading her the "Apple, Orange, Pear, Bear " book.

I try really hard not to compare my two kids with other children or with each other because I know people learn/develop at different paces and that the age they start doing something doesn't really mean anything. It is hard not to compare though...

Alex woke us up this morning by singing in his crib. He is so cute.

I am tired of washing off the trays and high chairs and sweeping the floor.

I love my kids so much and couldn't imagine life without them.

rainbows

Yesterday was one of those funny days that had moments of sunshine mixed with showers of rain. This caused the most beautiful double rainbows to happen behind our house. They were similar to the one I have in the picture on the top of the blog right now. It is funny how on a beautiful sunny day, a little bit of greyness and rain can suddenly create something so beautiful. I am sure there is some life lesson to be learned by looking at rainbows...

This day...

June 25th is a day that makes me think what life would be like if I was celebrating my son or daughter's 3rd birthday.

SAHM :)

Found out last week some of the paper work from March (when I applied for leave) had been lost (I kept the originals!) and I hadn't been granted my leave because of that. It got straightened out yesterday, and I got my approval (sigh of relief) so I am officially off until Sept of 2011 when the twins will be 26 months old. I can apply for another years leave too if I decide I want to be off longer. I have also considered staying home with them (and another if we ever get so lucky) until they are all school age. Lots to decide in the future, but no decisions have to be final now.

A poem for those who can relate... You know who you are :)

I remember reading this poem a few years ago, and feeling my eyes well up with tears. It is a poem that helped give me strength along my journey to parenthood. I came across it again today and decided to post it on here.

I AM A MOTHER

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss
and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or because I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body.

I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.
I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.
I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.
~Unknown

Infertility

I'll never be the same person I was before all this started and for that person, I mourn.

For the person I've become, I celebrate.

In the summer of 2005 we decided to have a baby. Five years later, in the summer of 2010 I am lucky enough to smile at my babies playing by my feet. It is amazing to look back at the person I was 5 years ago. I thought that getting pregnant was a matter of stopping using birth control. Throw those pills in the garbage and voila, 9 months later you are a Mom. I knew that there must be people who had trouble having babies (after all they had things called fertility treatments right?) but I had no idea how common it is and I certainly knew nothing about all the various issues couples could have nor the treatments involved in treating them. I knew nothing of pregnancy loss, and thought people adopted as a choice, not because it was their only choice to build their family. I know I made thoughtless comments to people, not because I was mean spirited, but because I didn't understand that my comments or questions could be hurtful. I talked about whether I wanted 2 children or 5, how close I wanted them together, and what time of year would be the best to get pregnant in order to have the best due date. I was optimistic. I thought I had a choice. I thought, like every other aspect of my adult life so far, that I would be blessed. That if I made my mind up about something, it would happen. That I was in control... I mourn for the person that I was then. That person has disappeared forever.

I thought that having kids of my own would somehow cause an infertility amnesia and that I would magically forget all the years of trying, tests, loss, treatments, needles, poking and prodding, bad news, frustration, despair and loss of hope I experienced. That I would return to the person I was in 2005. It didn't and I didn't

Would I change things if I could? Would I erase these years of frustration ? Looking back, I think I was blessed after all. I think that going on this difficult journey to become a parent has made me appreciate being a Mom like I never could have if I had traveled a much shorter and easier path. Not that I am a better Mom than some one who threw the pills in the garbage and had a baby to cuddle 9 months later, perhaps that woman was already there and didn't need the long path, or perhaps being a parent is their path and they will learn things along the way. I learned patience. I always thought I was a patient person before, but when you have to wait for so many thing, you are forced to be patient. Patience each month waiting to test. Patience waiting for medical procedures. Patience waiting for this part of my life to start. I also learned to trust. I had to trust that things would work out, I had to trust that what ever happened I could deal with it. I had to trust that Drs knew what they were doing. I had to trust that my husband would still love me and that I would still love him even if we never made a child together. I learned compassion. Going through loss, whether it be loss of a child, loss of a dream, loss of how you saw your life in the future forces you to look at what others are going through. I think due to my loss I have been able to be there for other people in my life and perhaps provided them with some compassion and understanding when they needed it. I learned to appreciate joy. Those moments when I first held a positive pregnancy test in my hands were some of the happiest minutes in my life. The second time I looked at a positive test I felt joy, but also apprehension, and fear. The total abandonment to joy that I was able to feel before was gone. I now know how fleeting joy can be, and try to hang on to it a little longer when I have it, to roll around in joy and to give it a few cuddles, to keep it as a friend for as long as I can. Joy is magical and not to be taken for granted. I made friends. I had never been part of any online community before, when dealing with loss and infertility I found that although I had caring people in my life, that I needed a connection to people who understood what I was going through, who understood my dreams and knew how not reaching them was devastating. I needed support and I found this online. I became a member of a group of women who had all experienced loss of a pregnancy around the same time as me. This group has been an invaluable support system during my loss, the tests and procedures leading up to treatment, during my pregnancy and now as a new Mom. If my road to parenthood had been easy I may never have found a group like this, and I would have missed out on making some wonderful friends. For me, having to wait so many years, made me who I am today. And for the person I've become, I celebrate.

Bath time! Just because they are cute....

White Point

Last weekend we went to White Point Beach Resort for the weekend. It was lovely to get away for a few days. This was the first time we had taken the twins anywhere overnight since they had came home from the NICU. It went well and I think we will be brave enough to try it again a few times this summer. We stayed in a cabin that had views of the ocean. At night we could hear the steady rhythm of the pounding waves. Relaxing... We mostly ate at the lovely restaurant on the resort and gorged ourselves on the buffet meals. We also went for a picnic with the twins for lunch one day, which was a lot of fun. They didn't quite get the concept of staying on the blanket though, and thought Mummy and Daddy's sandwiches looked much more fun than their bite sized collection of foods. We all enjoyed seeing the bunnies at White Point. When we had been there in the winter a few years ago we had been swarmed with rabbits wanting to eat the pellets we had for them. This time, with much lush grass and clover available to them, the bunnies were less numerous and only slightly interested in munching on pellets from our hands. We took the twins in swimming for the first time. Sadly with two of us holding two of them there was no way to snap a picture of this moment. I did take some of them wrapped in their big white hotel towels as we were strolling back to our cabin. The smell of campfires, salt air and wild roses was truly wonderful. We spent many hours sitting (or playing) on the lawns enjoying the views and soaking up the atmosphere. It is truly a relaxing place to be (even with 11 month old twins).

Welcome to our house

Some houses try to hide the fact that children shelter there,
Ours boasts of it quite openly, the signs are everywhere,
For smears are on the windows, little smudges on the door,
I should apologise I guess for toys shrewn on the floor,
But I sat down with the children and we played and laughed and read,
And if the windows do not shine, their eyes will shine instead,
And when at times I'm forced to choose the one job or the other,
I want to be a housewife, but first I'll be a mother.

ode to twin mommies

Someone sent this to me, and I thought it was cute.

ode to twin mommies!

some of us are tidy,
others of us are slobs
some of us married rock stars,
a few ended up w/knobs!

some of us dress our kids alike
others wouldn't dare
some of us take a shower each day
a couple of us just don't care!

a few of us are organized
and several are really precise
some of us love twin compliments
but others of us are real shy

many of us feel kind of "done" w/sex
though it makes us feel badly
(not badly enough to do it, however,
so our mates might be feeling sadly!)

some of us work outside the home
and others are home w/the kids all day
though we all work REALLY hard
you can't argue w/that fact--no way!

some of us find time to exercise
and others just can't deal
a few of us actually go out w/friends
and others find that unreal

some of us make awesome meals
for their families every day
others open a can or a box or a carton
and feed their kids that way

a few of us venture out all the time
while others find it hard
some of us are happy to make it
w/the kids to the backyard!

we're all really different
but there's one thing for sure
WE'RE ALL AWESOME TWIN MOMMAS
(though some kids have to eat off the floor;))

Yum Yum!

11 months! Yikes!

"From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere!" ~Dr. Seuss

Anna and Alex turned 11 Months a few days ago. It is crazy for me to think that in less than a month they will be a whole year old. I am happy my babies are growing up to be such interesting and unique little people and I love seeing the changes they make. I am sad that they are moving away from being babies and more and more every day are turning into toddlers.

So what new has happened this month... The big thing is that Anna is starting to walk. She lets go of the furniture more and more often when standing and started to occasionally take a step or two. There have been a few times she has managed to keep her balance long enough to go 1/2 way across the room. She still loses her balance and falls on her bum, or grabs onto something. She is very happy to spend hours walking around if she can find someone to hold hands with.

Alex has started cruising the furniture now too. For a long time he pulled himself up to standing, then would get down, crawl a few feet and pull himself back up. Now he manages to walk from one point to another, without having to get back down. As for getting down, he has gotten WAY better at that. He used to kind of just fall over and hope that he landed on his hands instead of his face. Now he squats down, reaches his hands to the ground and sits or gets into crawling position. He is learning.

As for teeth, well Anna still has just her 2 bottom teeth. Alex has been teething like crazy, and got 3 teeth breaking through in less than a week. He now has his 4 bottom front teeth, his middle top teeth are fully in and the two beside those are broken through. He also has a molar on the bottom right, and the bottom left molar feels like it will be coming in very soon. His eye teeth are there under the gum, but haven't pushed through yet. So tooth count right now is at 9 for Alex.

The kiddos are getting to be so much fun, they have personalities now. They laugh at so many things and play games with me like peek a boo. Anna has learned to clap and they both do "hands up" and will wave hello and goodbye when prompted. I have even walked in on them playing peek a boo with each other (Anna was kneeling and had the blanket up over her face, Alex was standing up watching ) while they were supposed to be sleeping. I wondered why Alex was laughing over the baby monitor. Alex loves to do "yoga" and his favorite pose is to stand on his toes with his forehead on the floor. I would love to be that flexible still! He loves biting his own feet almost as much as attempting to bite other people's feet. He will chase us around the room trying to get our feet, and if he does, boy does his bite hurt. Anna loves to climb, and will pull pillows off of things in order to use them as steps to give her a boost to reach things. She is in to everything she can find. She even uses the radiator as a step and will stand on it while clinging to the window sill. Especially if the cat is sitting there to look out the window. Anna is a little monkey.

They are eating all sorts of food, but have a few favorites. Yogurt is a big hit with both of them, as are frozen blueberries. They also love eating with their fingers and really enjoyed recent meals of chicken soup (peas, beans, broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, potatoes, pasta, chicken etc in little pieces) and lasagna. Boy was THAT messy, but they loved the pasta noodles with cheese and tomato meat sauce. Alex even thought his ear and his eye might like to try some too. I had to get the camera out for that. I'll post some of their eating pictures later.

Alex and Anna got to meet some more of their relatives this month too. We took them to Stewiacke to visit their Daddy's father's side of the family. They were very well loved by their great Aunts and Uncles and cousins. We hope to get back there this summer to visit again.

Sunny Day Photo Shoot (Thanks Cathy)

Some more of the photos from this afternoon are on my Facebook as well. Hope you enjoy them.