A scary scary day...

Two years and a month ago I was pregnant, and then I wasn't. I am painfully aware that miscarriage happens.

Yesterday I went out to lunch with a long time friend. It was wonderful catching up and chatting about all the things going on in her crazy life. I feel so settled and adult. As were were getting ready to leave I ran in to the washroom to pee. Blood.

In 2006 I was sitting at my desk at school feeling like I was having cramps and getting worried. At break I went to check, and there was blood. I left and went to the emergency room. After many hours of waiting, going home for the night,coming back for an ultrasound the next morning We got the terrible news. The fetus had no heartbeat and was very low in my uterus (next to the cervix) and miscarriage was inevitable. The next 3 days to follow were 3 of the worst days of my life. I ended up back in the emergency, on morphine with Dr.s worried that I was hemoraghing as I was bleeding so much.

Back to 2008. I find myself in the same emergency room, telling them the same story. I am eventually (after 3? hours of waiting) taken to the mirror image of the room I was in last time. After more waiting, explaining the situation over and over again to nurses, gettting blood (about 8 vials worth), temperature and blood pressure taken I finally got to see a Dr. The SAME DR as last time. This is too much Deja Vu, I feel like I am about to lose it. Fortunately getting an ultrasound is quicker now than it was 2 years ago as the emergency room now has a portable machine. They only have an exterior ultrasound though, so that means drinking a ton of water. The Dr. tells me to drink as many glasses as I can and then to drink one more. So I get to drinking. The water is icy cold and as I get through a 2nd litre of it I start to shake from the cold. I keep drinking, all the while fighting back the nausea and the urge to throw up. Finally I have drank enough and feel the urge to pee very strongly, meaning my bladder is full enough to push my uterus out of my pelvis enough to see. We begin the ultrasound. At 8 weeks 3 days your uterus is still in your pelvis, so the Dr is basically pushing the wand into your pelvic arch. First he locates my bladder and then the uterus, and then a black shape apears with a grey bean in it. The baby is still there. Next he pushes and prods the wand trying to get a better view, finally he says he can see it, the heartbeat.

Give a pregnant woman 3+ litres of water in 20 min. and bad things happen. First going to the washroom after the ultrasound was a relief, peeing never felt so good. As we were leaving the hospital, in the parking garage, I realised that the leftover water plus the BLT sandwich I had had for lunch weren't doing so well. By the time I made it to the car the gagging had started. I decided to wait a few minutes before getting into the car, and boy I am glad I did. Lets just say power puking on cement = mess. I feel very sorry for the person who is responsible for cleaning the car park. Sorry whoever you are...

The bleeding only lasted about an hour with some spotting afterwards, but it frightened me. I am still not feeling confident. Even moreso than before, I am scared every time I go pee that I will see more blood. I analyse every twinge wondering if it is a cramp. I am trying to stay relaxed and to think positive thoughts, but it is hard...