For the person I've become, I celebrate.
In the summer of 2005 we decided to have a baby. Five years later, in the summer of 2010 I am lucky enough to smile at my babies playing by my feet. It is amazing to look back at the person I was 5 years ago. I thought that getting pregnant was a matter of stopping using birth control. Throw those pills in the garbage and voila, 9 months later you are a Mom. I knew that there must be people who had trouble having babies (after all they had things called fertility treatments right?) but I had no idea how common it is and I certainly knew nothing about all the various issues couples could have nor the treatments involved in treating them. I knew nothing of pregnancy loss, and thought people adopted as a choice, not because it was their only choice to build their family. I know I made thoughtless comments to people, not because I was mean spirited, but because I didn't understand that my comments or questions could be hurtful. I talked about whether I wanted 2 children or 5, how close I wanted them together, and what time of year would be the best to get pregnant in order to have the best due date. I was optimistic. I thought I had a choice. I thought, like every other aspect of my adult life so far, that I would be blessed. That if I made my mind up about something, it would happen. That I was in control... I mourn for the person that I was then. That person has disappeared forever.
I thought that having kids of my own would somehow cause an infertility amnesia and that I would magically forget all the years of trying, tests, loss, treatments, needles, poking and prodding, bad news, frustration, despair and loss of hope I experienced. That I would return to the person I was in 2005. It didn't and I didn't
Would I change things if I could? Would I erase these years of frustration ? Looking back, I think I was blessed after all. I think that going on this difficult journey to become a parent has made me appreciate being a Mom like I never could have if I had traveled a much shorter and easier path. Not that I am a better Mom than some one who threw the pills in the garbage and had a baby to cuddle 9 months later, perhaps that woman was already there and didn't need the long path, or perhaps being a parent is their path and they will learn things along the way. I learned patience. I always thought I was a patient person before, but when you have to wait for so many thing, you are forced to be patient. Patience each month waiting to test. Patience waiting for medical procedures. Patience waiting for this part of my life to start. I also learned to trust. I had to trust that things would work out, I had to trust that what ever happened I could deal with it. I had to trust that Drs knew what they were doing. I had to trust that my husband would still love me and that I would still love him even if we never made a child together. I learned compassion. Going through loss, whether it be loss of a child, loss of a dream, loss of how you saw your life in the future forces you to look at what others are going through. I think due to my loss I have been able to be there for other people in my life and perhaps provided them with some compassion and understanding when they needed it. I learned to appreciate joy. Those moments when I first held a positive pregnancy test in my hands were some of the happiest minutes in my life. The second time I looked at a positive test I felt joy, but also apprehension, and fear. The total abandonment to joy that I was able to feel before was gone. I now know how fleeting joy can be, and try to hang on to it a little longer when I have it, to roll around in joy and to give it a few cuddles, to keep it as a friend for as long as I can. Joy is magical and not to be taken for granted. I made friends. I had never been part of any online community before, when dealing with loss and infertility I found that although I had caring people in my life, that I needed a connection to people who understood what I was going through, who understood my dreams and knew how not reaching them was devastating. I needed support and I found this online. I became a member of a group of women who had all experienced loss of a pregnancy around the same time as me. This group has been an invaluable support system during my loss, the tests and procedures leading up to treatment, during my pregnancy and now as a new Mom. If my road to parenthood had been easy I may never have found a group like this, and I would have missed out on making some wonderful friends. For me, having to wait so many years, made me who I am today. And for the person I've become, I celebrate.
No comments:
Post a Comment